Monday, February 15, 2016

Something that I am scared of...

So, today my "Journal Entry" is supposed to be "Something you are scared of" - thanks stupid jar.  Fears are the worst things to write about.  WHY?  Because all the while that we are writing about our fears, we are actually keeping them in the forefront of our minds... So, this post might not be very long because I don't really love to dwell on things that I am scared of.

That being said = most of you know me... and I have a few fears that are very typical  - I am afraid of things like Spiders. (Getting much better with this one as time passes, but I still do not prefer the creepy crawly spiders... (SHIVER) - nope - they are not for me at all).  I am afraid of heights, but more like Grand Canyon / Glass Elevator / Standing near the edge of a cliff type of Heights.  I can be in a plane and look down and feel perfectly content with my life... I think that it has something to do with having a barrier or guard rail set up - something that can hold me back from imminent death. (Which makes you wonder how the Grand Canyon got tossed in there.)  So, here's the story...

Young girl - Father wants a great picture of his daughters at the Grand canyon.  So, he takes them out to a jutting edge of a cliff and has them sit out there on a Rock.  Ok - that's pretty cool - and the picture is amazing - but the thought for a 5 year old that she could die if she moves.... well - that's just too much to bear.  SO, I have a deep rooted fear for the Grand Canyon, because someone took me PAST the barriers.  (I need to find that picture - no one will believe it unless they see it).  Thank you 1982!

I have other fears too - things like My children being kidnapped or my children dying in some way... It's a HUGE fear of mine that something is going to happen to my kids.  It does not make me overprotective but it does weigh on me whenever they leave my home or whenever they are out and about.  I worry that it might be the last time that I will see them.  (Death was very prominent around me last year - which just made things a great deal worse on this fear).

I have a fear of abandonment - of being left alone.  A fear of not being accepted - of not being loved.  these fears are totally normal for much of the population - so I am not sure that it counts... but the worry and fear is always there and those things cause me a great deal of anxiety sometimes.

Anyway, that's the topic for the day - something I am scared of... and you now have a list of things that scare me.  I am sure that with my personality you were expecting something like "Clowns" or "the sound of scraping nails on a chalkboard" - but not this chicka.  Just normal scary stuff for me.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Getting Slightly Real about My Personal battle with Depression

There is a genuine reason that depression is so high in Washington State.  I mean, the sun never shines up there... it's raining all of the time.  Unfortunately, the weather in Utah has been the very same over the last little while - and although I admittedly LOVE the rain. (I do, it's calming and relaxing and soothing to my soul) I think today I just have had enough of it.

It's the end of a very Gloomy Valentine's day - and looking around I can honestly say that I am depressed.  I mean genuinely depressed about so many things.  I am not depressed enough to not get out of bed.  I am not depressed enough to not shower, or to stop working or to no longer eat.  I am not to the point where I would consider myself clinically depressed... but as I sit here, at the end of the day... all I feel like doing is burying the emptiness that I feel inside with a gallon of ice cream and crying it out for a few hours.  

This is the kind of day when I would pull out my favorite chick flick and sabotage any efforts that I have made towards a healthy lifestyle and cry myself to sleep on my sofa because I feel utterly invisible to the world around me.

However, I am not able to do that since my sofa is being slept on by a 17 year old who had her wisdom teeth removed and has needed a little bit of extra TLC over the last few days.  I am also not able to do that because I still have responsibilities that need to be maintained, and there never seems to be a time when I can slow down just to focus on myself (At least not recently).  So, the depression that I am feeling (I know that it's there and it is just lurking in the corners of the recesses of my brain, but I do not have time to let it in at all because I just do not have any time to entertain it) just has to wait.

The sad part is that depression is very real and prevalent in my life ... and it is hard to talk about with anyone around me.  It's hard because I don't want them to feel like it is something that is their fault - and I am surrounded by people that would immediately take my own depression and turn it into something that they did or did not do to cause it.  The truth of the matter is that depression is not generally caused by other people.  Generally, depression is something inside of yourself and that means that only you can be the one to get rid of it or do something about it.  So, I see it happening and I know that I am upset (In General) but my usual tactics are not working to help me out of my rut. Valentines day did not help at all this year either, and the weather is just making it worse... It's all compounding at this point.

So, tonight I am sitting up doing something that I have not done in a while - I am blobbing.  Why? Because it is therapeutic.  Even getting out the basic notes that I am dealing with something that I feel is going to swallow me whole - even this much, is helpful.   I do not have to necessarily place my burdens on anyone else - I do not have to see the agonizing look on their face when I try to describe what I am going through but they have no words to help me.  It's not their words that I need most of the time but their ears - and sadly, it is so difficult for people to hear that someone they know is going through something painful but they are not able to help them with what is transpiring.  Blogging seems to be the best way to get things out and in the open without having to see that pained look on anyone's face while trying to find an outlet to just express myself and get it all out there and in the open.

I do not necessarily need your help - but thank you so much for taking the time to read this and to respect that this is just something that I am going through right now.  I will most likely go to bed - wake up tomorrow and find that the sun is shining again.  (At least at this point that is my genuine hope)

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

I Did It! :)

 2015 - After 17.5 Years of off and on college study, I finally graduated with my Associates degree at SLCC.  I am excited not because of the length of time that it took for me to achieve this awesomeness, but because I did it before the kids! (*Seriously - very excited about that*)
 Not gonna lie when I say that this final semester was probably the hardest semester that I have ever had to endure in my entire life.  I chose to take on a double whammy when it came to course work - Statistics and Spanish.  (Almost like taking two foreign languages if you ask me!)  Also, in the midst of all this it just happens to be "Busy Season" for the real estate market.  Work is super busy right now... (Super busy)
 I could not have accomplished this without my family encouraging me when things got rough.  I could not have moved forward without the support of my professors and friends and colleagues.  I would not have finished had it not been for my personal cheerleaders who completely understood the stress of combining a full time job with a full time parent with a crazy lady who decided that "Sure, Spanish and Stats together won't be so bad!"
 I am so grateful to everyone who helped to see me through this grueling process.  I know that it's crazy to say, but I think that I am going to go back in the fall - I am really not that far from getting my Bachelor's Degree - Not that far at all - And why should I stop now?  Surely I can get it done in the next 15 years?  (That's a two year improvement ya'll!).   Now, what should I do with my 3 month break?

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

3 Weeks Left until Finals

That's right - There are only 3 weeks of school left until Finals!  4 Weeks and 2 days left until I graduate!  I giggle because what should be a 2 year degree has taken me 17 years to achieve - but it's so going to be flippin' worth it! Why?  Actually, really there is only one reason why - it's because I have never actually graduated. You know - walked across a stage to graduate.  Never.  Nope - didn't do the ceremony in High School... and way back when I was a wee lass we never did things like Kindergarten or Elementary School and Jr. High School graduations.  Never.  It just was not heard of. 

So, now that I am all "growed up" I get to embark on this awesomeness.  It's not the dream that I had planned for myself.  I mean, I figured that I would have my Ph.D. by now - but I don't.  Apparently, life gets in the way.  However, I have made it this far, and it is quite the achievement, so I am super proud of myself!  Anyway, that's what is on the brain today - I don't have very much time left before I finish this chapter and move forward with something else.  (And I am just REALLY Excited).  So, short post - but full of awesomeness, like me. :)

Monday, April 6, 2015

The Statistical Analysis of my Statistics Class

There is no such thing as "Simple Statistics" - if you think that then you have not taken a stats class.  I hope that none of you take this the wrong way - but statistics is a sadistic roller coaster ride taught by crazy nerds who can do unbelievably difficult math equations in their heads. It's no wonder that when a student ventures forth to a math lab for additional help they find MAYBE 1 person in the entire lab that has an inkling on what needs to be done in Statistics to help you get through your ridiculous amount of homework.  
The worse part is that you must  do the homework - there is no other way for you to grasp the concept unless you are continually practicing the work that they put forth in front of you.  I mean constantly - like maybe you should have the lessons playing in the background while you are sleeping so that you continue to practice the concepts in your head all day and all night long... UGH - It's almost impossible.  ALMOST - but not quite.  I really thought that this class would be the easier of all my math courses - it's not. In fact, it's much harder - because each of the formulas is so close to the same so you have to really understand what you are doing and what formula you need to use in order to make certain that you are doing the correct math - otherwise, it is all for Naught.  (Notice how I threw that one in there?  Yeah, that word "Naught" is used in statistics too).  

Anyway, I say (With a 95% certainty) that this class is BLAH!  Rotten!  I dislike it so much!  I would say with at least a 50% certainty that other people probably feel exactly the same way about it too.  Statistics is just BLAH!  I'll be so glad in 4 weeks when I am completely done with this class, you have no idea. NONE!

One of my least favorite things -

My dad and I talk quite frequently - and a while ago he and I had a conversation in regards to Facebook.  I always tease him about how he seems to technologically sound but that the one place where everyone shares everything is Facebook and he is not there.  He always asks about the family, wants updates, oh send me some pictures.... blah.  Each time we have this discussion I always respond with, "Well, it's on facebook!  You can see everything there!" - to which he always tells me, "You know, I have known more people who have had feelings hurt and friendships lost and misunderstandings happen because of Facebook.  I will not be using Facebook."  At first I laughed this off.  I felt like he was not being reasonable.  I even chided him, explaining that not everyone was this way. 

I look back and I completely understand what he is talking about.  In fact - Facebook has caused much heartache in my immediate family.  The Misses and I have watched our children as they grow and post things on this social media hub, and most of the time it is joyous - sometimes it isn't.  I know that there are people on Facebook that do things (Sometimes intentionally and sometimes not intentionally) that cause consternation and hurt to another individual.   I recently have found myself part of this horrible circle and I fully intend to have it stop.

Part of me wonders - should I call this person out?  Should I speak up publicly about them?  Should I express how much my feelings were hurt by their actions?  Does it even matter?  The other half of me demands justice and explanations for the behavior!  It wants answers and it wants them now!  Again, does it even matter? 

Looking at all of the evidence I have only one conclusion - that person is just a seriously misguided individual (also, possibly a literal dirt stain) and I don't need them in my life - at all.  I just don't need that kind of hurt and pain and drama - even the silent drama is over-dramatic enough - and I have too many other things that I need to focus on instead of wondering why this person suddenly doesn't like me. (Really, I am pretty certain it must be because they are all jealous of my awesomeness - and my crazy hot body that was recently discovered with my new diet (Thanks Lori)).

Which brings me to another point - all of these people who don't seem to like me.  They all seem to want someone else and not the person that I am  (Even with all of the changes that I HAVE made).  It's not the first time that I have heard that I am not liked - after all, when I took over my position here at my office all I heard for months was "Well so-and-so would ALWAYS do it for me" - to which I have to respond, "Well, there is a reason so-and-so no longer works here and I do."  No, I am not the other person - No, I don't function the way that they did. No, I don't cater to your every whim, whine, and need.  No - You are not the center of my universe and No - I am not going to change who I am because you don't like me.  There are lots of GREAT things about me that you have failed to get to know because you were too busy listening to the liars and made up stories to come and talk to me yourself.  I am one of the most compassionate and giving people that I know and I would do anything for you that were within my power, but I am not a mind reader and you would have to tell me when you are in need and I can spot a user a mile away.  I am a full time employee, full time parent, full time student, and full time person - and I don't have time to worry about you unless you tell me so that I can work it into my schedule. 

Facebook ?  Well, there have been lots of times when my feelings were hurt by family members, and friends alike.  I tend to let things go.  Things like not being told happy Birthday by Every single person on my friends list, or even Happy Mothers Day by family members that should say it to me but say it to everyone else.  (Did you know that I tell the Misses ex's happy birthday and happy mother's day every year? No, really I do - I send them text messages.  WHY you ask?  Because those are important dates and they are important people to my step children and regardless of what they think, they are even important to me.)   I do notice when I get slighted in these areas, but I typically let it roll off of my back because it's not worth it to fight over.  However,  I hope that the personas that feel the need to behave in this manner realize a few things.  1) I am not going to be leaving any time soon - 2) I have the ability to change the beneficiaries on my last will and testament at any time.  and 3) Towanda.