Monday, February 15, 2016

Something that I am scared of...

So, today my "Journal Entry" is supposed to be "Something you are scared of" - thanks stupid jar.  Fears are the worst things to write about.  WHY?  Because all the while that we are writing about our fears, we are actually keeping them in the forefront of our minds... So, this post might not be very long because I don't really love to dwell on things that I am scared of.

That being said = most of you know me... and I have a few fears that are very typical  - I am afraid of things like Spiders. (Getting much better with this one as time passes, but I still do not prefer the creepy crawly spiders... (SHIVER) - nope - they are not for me at all).  I am afraid of heights, but more like Grand Canyon / Glass Elevator / Standing near the edge of a cliff type of Heights.  I can be in a plane and look down and feel perfectly content with my life... I think that it has something to do with having a barrier or guard rail set up - something that can hold me back from imminent death. (Which makes you wonder how the Grand Canyon got tossed in there.)  So, here's the story...

Young girl - Father wants a great picture of his daughters at the Grand canyon.  So, he takes them out to a jutting edge of a cliff and has them sit out there on a Rock.  Ok - that's pretty cool - and the picture is amazing - but the thought for a 5 year old that she could die if she moves.... well - that's just too much to bear.  SO, I have a deep rooted fear for the Grand Canyon, because someone took me PAST the barriers.  (I need to find that picture - no one will believe it unless they see it).  Thank you 1982!

I have other fears too - things like My children being kidnapped or my children dying in some way... It's a HUGE fear of mine that something is going to happen to my kids.  It does not make me overprotective but it does weigh on me whenever they leave my home or whenever they are out and about.  I worry that it might be the last time that I will see them.  (Death was very prominent around me last year - which just made things a great deal worse on this fear).

I have a fear of abandonment - of being left alone.  A fear of not being accepted - of not being loved.  these fears are totally normal for much of the population - so I am not sure that it counts... but the worry and fear is always there and those things cause me a great deal of anxiety sometimes.

Anyway, that's the topic for the day - something I am scared of... and you now have a list of things that scare me.  I am sure that with my personality you were expecting something like "Clowns" or "the sound of scraping nails on a chalkboard" - but not this chicka.  Just normal scary stuff for me.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Getting Slightly Real about My Personal battle with Depression

There is a genuine reason that depression is so high in Washington State.  I mean, the sun never shines up there... it's raining all of the time.  Unfortunately, the weather in Utah has been the very same over the last little while - and although I admittedly LOVE the rain. (I do, it's calming and relaxing and soothing to my soul) I think today I just have had enough of it.

It's the end of a very Gloomy Valentine's day - and looking around I can honestly say that I am depressed.  I mean genuinely depressed about so many things.  I am not depressed enough to not get out of bed.  I am not depressed enough to not shower, or to stop working or to no longer eat.  I am not to the point where I would consider myself clinically depressed... but as I sit here, at the end of the day... all I feel like doing is burying the emptiness that I feel inside with a gallon of ice cream and crying it out for a few hours.  

This is the kind of day when I would pull out my favorite chick flick and sabotage any efforts that I have made towards a healthy lifestyle and cry myself to sleep on my sofa because I feel utterly invisible to the world around me.

However, I am not able to do that since my sofa is being slept on by a 17 year old who had her wisdom teeth removed and has needed a little bit of extra TLC over the last few days.  I am also not able to do that because I still have responsibilities that need to be maintained, and there never seems to be a time when I can slow down just to focus on myself (At least not recently).  So, the depression that I am feeling (I know that it's there and it is just lurking in the corners of the recesses of my brain, but I do not have time to let it in at all because I just do not have any time to entertain it) just has to wait.

The sad part is that depression is very real and prevalent in my life ... and it is hard to talk about with anyone around me.  It's hard because I don't want them to feel like it is something that is their fault - and I am surrounded by people that would immediately take my own depression and turn it into something that they did or did not do to cause it.  The truth of the matter is that depression is not generally caused by other people.  Generally, depression is something inside of yourself and that means that only you can be the one to get rid of it or do something about it.  So, I see it happening and I know that I am upset (In General) but my usual tactics are not working to help me out of my rut. Valentines day did not help at all this year either, and the weather is just making it worse... It's all compounding at this point.

So, tonight I am sitting up doing something that I have not done in a while - I am blobbing.  Why? Because it is therapeutic.  Even getting out the basic notes that I am dealing with something that I feel is going to swallow me whole - even this much, is helpful.   I do not have to necessarily place my burdens on anyone else - I do not have to see the agonizing look on their face when I try to describe what I am going through but they have no words to help me.  It's not their words that I need most of the time but their ears - and sadly, it is so difficult for people to hear that someone they know is going through something painful but they are not able to help them with what is transpiring.  Blogging seems to be the best way to get things out and in the open without having to see that pained look on anyone's face while trying to find an outlet to just express myself and get it all out there and in the open.

I do not necessarily need your help - but thank you so much for taking the time to read this and to respect that this is just something that I am going through right now.  I will most likely go to bed - wake up tomorrow and find that the sun is shining again.  (At least at this point that is my genuine hope)